Divorce as a total disaster for children

Divorce is a shock for a child. And the consequences for the child will still be. This is a traumatic process, as a result of which the children experience a whole range of negative emotions like anger, anxiety, fear, sadness, and insecurity.

The shock of a child can last a long time. The behavior of the child changes, and it is connected with the fear of losing the parent with whom he remained. Boys become aggressive and unmanageable. Girls become closed and capricious. One of the most immediate consequences after divorce for children is a violation of their adaptation to everyday life. There are long-term consequences regarding profound changes in the personality of a child, ideas about love and loyalty, about what the family should be.

The ideal option is when parents disagree without quarrels, scandals, and recriminations, to remain in good relations without mutual hostility. This option of divorce almost does not hurt the child.

It should be recognized that if the parents need a divorce, then the child also requires it, because, after the divorce, it becomes possible to harmonize the life of each spouse. In a family where tension continually reigns, conflicts endlessly reproduce, the child feels doubly unhappy. Such a family environment has a more substantial effect on the child than a stable life with one of the parents. At the same time, it must be remembered that for a child even the most justified divorce can be a mighty shock, causing unfortunate consequences, the manifestations of which sometimes last a considerable time.

The strategy for treating a child during a divorce period is to maintain the child’s trust in the world. Depending on age, this will require different efforts.

Child up to 2 years

Still not aware of the cause of the conflict, but feels the tension in the relationship of parents. It becomes nervous, whining, sad, begins to lag in development.

You need to think about how to behave with the child:

Try to keep the regime of the child which was with him before the divorce. Spend more time with him and often hold on his hands.

Use the help of friends and relatives to be able to relax and be in shape to communicate with the child.

Child from 2 to 3 years

The emotional connection of the child with the parents is strong, and the little ones often think that the father and mother broke up because of them.

Children become nervous and hysterical, and development slows down, night and day fears, bad habits appear (sucking a finger, picking at the navel, twisting hair, etc.).

You need to think about how to behave with the child:

Try to keep the regime of the child which was with him before the divorce.

Spend more time with him, read books to the child, play together, discuss his feelings with him.

Stimulate the child to communicate with relatives and friends he likes. Ask them not to leave the child alone with himself either.

Organize meetings with the divorced dad only in the presence of the mother (the mother should be nearby). You can not give the child under three years old to the father for a day or two. Otherwise, the child will start fearing and thinking: “I’ve been abandoned.” Also, his fundamental insecurity is crumbling.

A phone call from dad to a child is needed if the child is anxious.

Child from 3 to 6 years

Children feel that they cannot influence the situation, cannot understand it, and cannot control it. They blame themselves for divorcing parents. There are feelings of insecurity, anxiety, fears of day and night, Insomnia, bad habits.

You need to think about how to behave with the child:

Well, if the child has a favorite grandmother or grandfather, with whom he can discuss his troubles or any person whom the child trusts.

It is important not to tune the child against the second parent.

Reading individual books about divorce to your child is helpful.

Make a clear schedule of meetings of the child with the parent who has left the house. The child should know exactly the route of walking with dad and the time when he returns to mom. Mom should periodically call the child when the child is with dad.

A phone call from dad to a child is also needed if the child is anxious.

Take for granted that problems in behavior, after meetings with the parent who has left the house, will always be with the child.

Child from 6 to 11 years

Children try to restore the relationship between dad and mom, get angry at one of their parents, afraid to be left alone as a result of divorce. Anger and despair make the child either withdraw into himself or, conversely, attract attention with bad behavior and bad grades.

Children can become psychosomatic people with such diseases as eczema, gastritis, stuttering, and obsessive movements. All of these are the most typical manifestations of the internal stress of children, with which they suggest adults think about the family climate.

You need to think about how to behave with the child:

The child must know where he will live and how his relationship with his divorced parent will develop.

Each parent should regularly spend free time with the child. The parents must strictly follow a clear schedule of visits to the child.

All that needs to be said about a divorce to a child is: “Mom and dad should live separately. Mom and dad love you, and dad moves away, he will no longer live with us but will come to us, and you will be able to see him as much as you like. ”

Attracting a child to an active social life (friends, sports, hobby groups) will help him to distract himself from unpleasant thoughts, and to feel more confident.

If the mother brings up the son alone

The son should know that the mother has a separate life, where he has no progress. Secure attachment of a mother to a son is well diluted with a new relationship with a man or, in extreme cases, with love for a pet.

The son is responsible for his place, for cleaning, but should not be responsible for men’s affairs in the house – for repairs or for filling the refrigerator.

A child may have its secrets.

If a mother is raising a daughter

Male attention for the girl is necessary.

It is important not to form a negative attitude towards men in a girl. Such a risk exists in a situation where a woman was severely traumatized by relations with her former spouse. Mom should try to create a positive image of a father who loves his daughter, but due to different life difficulties, she cannot live with them and spend more time together.

Divorced parents are a catastrophic mental trauma for a child. It leaves a mark on his psyche for the whole life. Subsequently, difficulties are formed in creating his own family, because at the unconscious level he takes parental behavior as a basis. For example, the father’s dominant behavior with swearing, cursing, and even assaulting, is automatically included in the son’s behavior pattern. Growing up, such a child carries the threat of the collapse of his own family. And the risk of the divorce process in the future is very high.

Moreover, some of these children, becoming adults, may not form their own family at all.

Especially girls who have seen all the horror of family dramas. After all, up to 13 years for a child, father, and mother, figuratively speaking, are his gods. Mom is a goddess for him, and dad is a god. And when these two gods quarrel among themselves, the world swings under his feet, the child loses support in life, receives less love. It creates fears that develop into phobias – fear of heights, water, confined space.

Psychological manipulation

Such a disaster as a parental divorce requires psychological treatment, mental work that removes these problems. The best therapists here can only be the parents themselves. But they must teach to eliminate the consequences of quarrels. This is what a psychologist does.

The specialist, of course, can remove this condition from the child, but when the child returns to the family, the child’s psyche is again traumatized by the parent’s relationship. And then all the efforts of the psychologist are useless and meaningless because they are immediately destroyed in the family.

The family is a mini-structure of society, a small state. Dad is president, and his mom is presidency. And each duty is different. There are standards, of course, but if mom, for example, does not have time to wash the dishes, then dad rolls up his sleeves and washes. I think that the standards determine their mutual love. If I love my wife, I am ready to help her in everything just as much as my heart tells me and as far as I am against her.

Author: Divorceworld

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